i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
