did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
