I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
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