If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
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