My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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