You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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