I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
His nipple licking is glorious
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
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