I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
