I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
