ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
