Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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