We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
