Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
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