Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
jump out the window naked night went bad
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