the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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