Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
