i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
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