I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
