then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Why is it people are always in costumes on Cheaters these days? Joe Greco literally just said, "It appears they get chased by a chicken with a chainsaw." WTF?
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
