If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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