I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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