I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Randomize
