now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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