at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
