Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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