There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
