How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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