The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
Randomize
