Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
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