No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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