i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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