I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize