We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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