i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Randomize
