I'm so fucking centered right now
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Randomize
