Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Randomize
