Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
He has the fingertips of a God
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
I'm really busy with my period
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