What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
I want you more than these girls want KFC
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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