I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
