its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
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