It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
