the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
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