I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
