here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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