he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
