why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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