I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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