drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
