she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
People with herpes should wear stickers.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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