Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Randomize
