I can text with my tongue
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Randomize
