I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize