So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize