I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
How many fucks given?
0.12846
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
