Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
