Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
